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2005-02-05, 10:43 p.m.

and then i fell to earth.

these feelings returning to me. my other got shot apparently but not dead. took a round. short email asking if im okay. no explination. i wasnt upset really other than what the fuck. im sick of this isolation.

mostly im sick of being sober- no escape. but now i have no other choice. i cant go back even if i wanted. so now im stuck in purgatory i suppose. wandering the underworld - no gold coins cover my eyes- i havent quite made it to transcendance. i wonder if i ever will.

im on some narcasism tip i suppose. all these emotions coming crashing back into my conciesness and im drowning. i feel disconected from everyone. enveloped in space and my screams arent heard. im not sure i even opened my mouth.

this life seems to be just a dream a projection and i wouldnt call what i feel depression its not angry or painful. more unfullfilled.

the main thing is settling down. im not so sure about this anymore ever since i got my lust back its like do i really want this? and i know that having a beyond hot boy toy isnt going to satisfy me actually i ve been down that road and really no thanks.

but i cant really get passed it. the less i want it the more hotties are like hey. maybe its escape the fear of commitment drives me to run.

my mind wanders into the depths of what if. maybe its because im lonely. maybe this is a time for strength. im weary. i will rest a while.

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