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2006-11-18, 1:16 p.m.

the problem with growth is that it is painful.

i dont know why i have such intense emotions about the past. its more the lifestyle i chose to lead.

Working in wilderness therpay i get therpay. its like im not that person i was and it was fun to shoot shows and i dont know why ifeel badly now i mean then i was miserable and i hated my day job. now i love my job. it was thrilling not fun.

i see the machineshop on line and it brings back this heartache like aw AND i know i dont want to be back there i remember the last time i went how halow it was how empty how depressing maybe its that i was comfortable being depressed and the thrill was the destraction from how miserable i was i felt cool i felt accepted and now im feeling my own acceptance.

im not sure what these feelings are about we will see

if the most troubleing part of my life is for every now and then i can examine feelings, my life rules indeed

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