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waht the ffuck is going on here?
2004-08-30, 6:00 p.m.

on second thaut i wont be gone that long

so heres what you mist:

day 0: groovy. was going to call the first people in my phone book (which would be kelly as her phone number is actually under a for awesome) to announce that im in the middle of the desert but im in the middle of the desert with out a satalite phone.

day 1: hike a long while up-mountain eat some trail mix want to die stop hiking set up shelter puke freeze. and it snowed somewair in that order but i was passing in and out of concisense. thanks trader joes for not labeling your alergie causing products correctly!

day 2: suck it up hike forever feel like shit want to die get cut up and sun burnt want to puke freeze

day 3: hike for almost ever until i curl up in a ball and die

okay so i didnt die but i would have had i continued in the field so im back at base camp which is pretty obvious because im not using a tree and pine cones and some tin foil to write this.

so i half to go back to the grand land of michigan. some will rejoice some will sadden but that will reverse because im leaving again the fair state of the wolverine to return with no allergy-please-kill-me-now-food in a few months.

so i will be in michigan for a month then if everything works out i will be wintering in arizona.

out in the field i had to decide do i want to live in civilization or not. taking photos making zombie movies (yeah i had an eager job offer) or stay in yellowstone in hells canyon.

whats worth more?

now i have been examining what i want to do for a while now and this is what ive concluded:

while i do have a glamerous job so to speak it sorta sucks. and the question is does it suck enough to just quit!

for example i got to go to philly and pittsburg and new york on the "bizness" but i get so taken in by the need to suceed and persueing my work that i dont even get to see my friends that much or i feel bad but push it down cuz when i do get to go to shows its all "bizness"

i hate being like i got to meet marilyn manson becuase most people dont understand that he is more than just some dude in make up hes like one of my heros cuz he got to get out of a shit hole town and make amazing art. its like jelousy or soemthing and all i want to do is share this amazing enlightening experience and its met with meaness.

or when im on a tour bus like a few weeks ago i dont like being like yo im on a tour bus because its not bizness professional at least i was told never to say im on a tourbus (cuz that demotes you to groupie status as a female) when asked and you are on a tourbus because its unprofesional to the people you are going to be dealing with.

i dont walk up in the rite aid and demand to know your details what kind of halls are you stocking. so are you in isle eleven with the lemon honey flavoured ones?

and it gets so hard because arent i saposed to be having fun with my friends and instead im stuck in work mode which juyst makes me feel like mc arch delux over here on unfun patrol because i got to be serious.

im sick of having to follow this bizness protocaul that no one else seems to half to follow. apparently its not saposed to be fun to go to shows its bizness like data entry is not saposed to be fun.

its not fun to go out there and half to wait around backstage while getting bullied by groupies or told to wait by egotists and it certainly isnt fun to half to be seperated from friends which always happens when i go with more than one person.

i used to want nothing more than to take photos and hang out at shows but it seems to me it doesnt even matter how good my photos are. all that is doing is eating up my life and pissing me off. i dont even know how to go to shows and have fun anymore. i used to when i got wasted but that ended upruptly and i stopped drinking because i dont even feel i can get wasted anymore

i feel like mr burns in the episode when homer frees the canary and takes over the plant and gets over worked and mr burns and him are walking around the graveyard and mr burns starts telling about how his whole life is all work and no play. and how it all just went by

seriously i am considering retiring. and if the answer is noooooo but you take such great pictures you cant retire....

i say at what cost. can i unlearn trying to run a bizness and just have fun like i used to. what the fuck has been wrong with me sense i talked to acey back in 2002. ive just sucked mega time.

but since i respect what he has to say so much maybe i should listen up:

about wanitng to quit:

No, there was a time when I decided that I shouldn't make it such a priority, and as soon as I realized that, then I became a professional musician. When you micro concentrate on one thing and you block everything else out, you lose a lot of things, and sometimes you lose a lot of things to gain everything you could ever want. It was a time when I said, "I don't know what the fuck I'm doing" and I need to maybe not take this so seriously. I wanted things done my way every I dotted, every t crossed my way, and as soon as I said, "You know what, maybe I shouldn't do things my way. Maybe I should see what the universe has in stall for me," and as soon as I said that, I got everything I wanted.

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