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life again
2003-12-15, 10:23 p.m.

im so confused. life is spectacularly fabulous. ive never been more content with my circumstances.

yet i find myself disatisfied with the lack of creative processes going on. and the lack of understanding i find with my fellow populus.

i dont know what i am doing with my time but it certainly isent enough as far as creation.

as for company i am very satisfied with my friends, more so than i have been in a long time.

but it seems to be in the romantic field i always lack. i cant be satisfied with having a partner be my life. actually i cant be satisfied with a partner it seems.

maybe if i was regular and settled for less. being content with the fact soemone wants me blindly 'loving' with out regard to their many faults.

my current partner is most things anyone could ask for. hot as fuck, no body hair, smart, good taste in music, likes to set fires, tall, knowledgable, can fix a car, etc etc but still after months i find a lack.

some girl tried to fuck him in the bathroom at a show.

i find myself not caring. infact ive left him sleeping alone these days.

the plain fact is that art is the only satisfying portion of my life. human far too human is how i see everything else. humans fail to understand. humans scurry to do this thing called 'love'. for a stability.

phen and i have created a vaccum upstairs. outerspace. we do our bidings, say our hellos to our partners and others that populate our daily existance. then we retreat. im not sure what we are doing but its better than doing nothing. eventually it will be art. but its not fast enough.

i guess i will remain as always finding comfort in art. sometimes i wonder what it would be like to just be content as a everyday person. with out the need to create. just to serve+

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